Since the day I got engaged, friends would come up to me (married friends) and offer hearty congratulations, then add, "now, when you get married, things are going to change." I got this heads up from many people (mostly guys) who I think were earnestly trying to give me some important insights into married life that I would find valuable.
But I just didn't understand what they meant by it. "What is going to change? What are you talking about?" I'd ask. They'd persist. "Trust me, things will change. Don't worry about it. Just, y'know, be prepared for it."
I'd persist: "what are you talking about? Give me something specific to work with here. What? Do you mean things like toilet seats and toothpaste caps? Help me out here." But they never clarified. They just left it hanging out there that some sort of mysterious change would happen when we got married.
MYTH #1: "When you get married, things are going to change."
They do not. Or, perhaps, things don't have to change.
I often remarked to my girlfriend/fiance back in those stages of our relationship that going to Safeway or Fred Meyer felt like a date to me because I always had such fun with her no matter what we were doing. (And stop snickering out there, people. We actually went out on real dates all the time.)
And as I was driving around today with my beloved wife (and kids in the back seat), I thought back to those times and happily declared to my wife out of the blue "I still think going to Safeway feels like a date!" I still do have that much fun with her no matter what we're doing. I feel good. I feel happy with her.
As for those mythical changes that are supposed to occur, they just never did. She did not transform into a girl with some sort of hidden personality once we got married. She was who she was when we were dating, engaged, and married. Nothing has really changed, except that my appreciation of her has grown with time. Hopefully, I'm still the guy she said "yes" to back then. Wiser, more experienced, but the same guy.
I think it has been very helpful in our relationship that when we started dating, she sort knew who she was, and I sorta knew who I was. We more or less had our own selves figured out. So, when we started dating, I, for example, didn't have a moving target in her to figure out. She was who she was, she knew herself, and that made it easy for me to figure her out. In fact, I really don't think I had to figure her out. Who she was, was (and is) obvious. I hope and think the same can be said for me.
So, there's no moving target, no shifting fault lines. No mysterious changes once it's "too late to back out."
MYTH #2: "You'll have arguments. Don't worry about it, every couple has them."
This one has always bothered me. Long before I got married, even long before I was remotely interested in getting married, I thought marriage shouldn't be that way. But it has been the universal refrain from anyone and everyone I heard comment on the subject - whether or not I was involved in the conversation. So universal, in fact, that I just assumed that it must be my willful ignorance that prevented me from accepting the universal truth that all couples argue.
But I continued to chaffe at that apparent truth.
Then I heard a leader in my church give a speech on the hazards of anger. He talked about marriage and divorce, and identified divorce as the bitter fruit of anger. He then added that he had been married 67 years to his wife (who had passed away a few years prior to the speech), and he had never had a quarrel with her.
When I heard that, I thought "Ah hah! I knew it could be done."
Now call me inexperienced at only 4 years of marriage. Fair enough. But I believe the trend my wife and I have started is more than just luck. I believe it to be a pattern, the rule, and not the exception. We have not had a quarrel yet. Either I've held my tongue, or she has. But neither of us have let the other have it, nor do I think either of us has wanted to.
When she's passionate about something, I tend not to be. When I'm passionate about something, she's generally not that interested. There have only been a few occasions I can think of that we've had differing opinions on a matter, and we both felt strongly about it. What did we do? We did nothing. We sat on it. We let things play out and decidedly chose not to force a decision. And things have always worked themselves out.
I recall being a best man at a buddy's wedding, many years before I got married. When the time came to offer the toast, a small wave of panic came over me because I hadn't given it any thought. But there I was, glass in hand, and blurted out: "look after your spouse's wants and needs before your own, and things will work out fine." I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, because I had never considered those thoughts before. But it stuck with me ever since. And it is how, I think, my wife and I have been able to go 4 years without arguing.
MYTH #3: Once you have kids, you no longer have a life.
I don't put quotes around that one because no one has explicitly said that. No one (with kids) will actually say that kids crush any sense of liberty, freedom, and fun in your life. But I've heard it implied many times over. With facial expressions, tones of voice, knowing looks, and even words that come close.
Now, the flip side of that perspective is that you absolutely can have a life with kids by ignoring the fact that you have kids. Dump them on your spouse and go hang out with the guys all the time. I don't believe in that one either.
As with most things in life, the happy place I've found is in the middle. I like to camp, cycle, hike, and fiddle with my yard, house, and other minor home improvement projects. So, I let my kids join me. Initially, our bike rides are very short. The camping is in the tent set up in the living room, then the back yard, and this summer, we'll do some car camping, with perhaps a hike in camp out as well. We ease them into it. My boy has limited hose privileges now, but they're expanding as we go.
I like to go to movies too. In fact, my wife an I loved going to the movies. But, we don't do that yet. We think its too much for a toddler or infant. We put the kids to sleep and rent a Red Box. That's the compromise for now. But, we can still do what we want (have a life, enjoy a little freedom, whatever) in smaller doses. And as time goes on, in even greater doses.
MYTH #4: "Kids are germ factories, and will get you sick."
Actually, that one is true.
I was invincible before kids. Only periodically got the sniffles. Now I get a new bug every 3-4 weeks. It's brutal.
In sum, happy wife, happy life. I take care of her, and she takes better care of me. She rocks, and I couldn't be happier with her riding shotgun with me through life and parenthood.
